Voice of the People

The Surrey People's Militia have declared the village of Uppingham Major a No-Go Zone, it was revealed last night. Despite a recent "Zero-Tolerance" initiative, residents there are still openly dealing in stock and shares, flouting the new Anti-Wealth laws.

Trouble flared when officers from the Prohibited Substances unit raided a cottage which they suspected to be a local "Earl Grey" Den. Their suspicions were proved correct as, upon entering the property, they interrupted a "Tea-Party" in full swing. Unprepared for such an eventuality, the Militia Unit were driven back out into the lane as angry caffeine users quickly barricaded the 16th Century building, turning it into a fortress.

Back-up officers soon arrived from neighbouring towns, although by this time, the residents had marshalled their forces and a full scale riot ensued. Following a forty-eight hour running battle, the militia were overwhelmed and withdrew from the area.

We interviewed one of the residents by telephone early this morning and although she wished to remain anonymous, we can reveal that she has previous convictions for property developing. She told us this:

"We just wish to be left in peace - we are doing nothing wrong and are being victimized by the State! We are no longer willing to follow the ridiculous laws of this country, and as a result, we intend to set up our own monarchy. We now wish to be known as The Kingdom of Uppingham and intend to be self-governing. We are no longer prepared to tolerate these Republican oiks intruding into our private affairs. Further attempts to enter our village will be met with violence and extreme snobbery."

This reporter pressed for further information about their plans but was met with jeers, questions relating to his father's profession and derogatory comments with regard to qualifications and schooling.

The Surrey People's Militia also released a statement this morning, but we are unable to print it under the new Prevention of Political Embarrassment Act. We hope to bring you more news in tomorrow's edition.